Today marks a year since I stopped accepting less than what my kids and I deserved. I stopped allowing anyone in my house who did not respect me and my children. I started taking a stand for our peace and began setting hard boundaries. Today was the last day that I allowed anyone to yell and scream at me within my own home and the beginning of a new journey. I began preparing to separate myself completely from chaos and destruction.
I look back at my life and where it was a year ago. I think back to how I was constantly on edge and nervous. Constantly dealing with chaos being brought to my home and feeling like I was constantly in survival mode. Over the last year, I have set hard boundaries and stuck to them. I have set up safety measures in order to be prepared for random chaotic moments, and I don’t react to things that are not in my control. Ten cameras at my house, a dash cam for my vehicle, a parenting app for communication, a publick pick up and drop off location and third parties to handle other situations.
The healing journey has been one of great growth and I am proud of how far I have come. I look forward to continuing to grow for many years in the future. The serenity prayer really seems to fit the healing process well.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
~Winnifred Crane Wygal
The other day, I finally accomplished one of my counseling goals. Forgiveness. I completed something that I never thought I would because I never understood how I could forgive someone for all the pain they caused my children and I over the years. I wrote a letter to the person who affected my life the most over the last decade:
To Whom It May Concern:
I could go on and on about all the things that have happened over the years. I could go into great detail about the constant chaos and disrespect that has occurred including this year. I could look back and point fingers, but the truth is that would do no good. I didn’t deserve what happened to me, but I should have left a long time ago and stayed gone. I should have pushed through long ago, set boundaries and not looked back. I should have stayed gone and financially lost everything and started over. I should have gotten to know you better rather than looking for love from someone that I barely knew. There are so many “should have, would haves and could haves” that could be said, but the truth is that I may not be where I am today without those struggles. I wouldn’t have the two amazingly beautiful kids that I have without you. I probably wouldn’t have gone to counseling and to school to figure out what was wrong with me to deserve being treated so poorly by someone else. Therefore, I wouldn’t have found my passion in school counseling and helping others. I didn’t deserve what I got, but I found purpose from turmoil with you.
While you were mentally, emotionally, physically and financially tearing me down, I was dragging myself up from the depths of hell to build a better life for our children. I was determined to give them a life where they would hopefully break the cycle of toxicity. Somehow, we managed to raise two beautifully intelligent little human beings despite the toxic environment that they were raised in for a large portion of their lives. I was not the perfect mother. Lord knows, I should have done better in a lot of ways.
I used to wish that you knew our children better and that maybe if you knew them, every part of them, that you might realize the pain they have had to deal with and how it has influenced and affected their lives. The reality is that you will never truly know our children but rather that you will only know the versions of themselves that are on eggshells. You will never know all sides of their personalities. The happy, excited, depressed, angry, sad, anxious, stressed, triggered. You will only ever know the sides of them that makes you happy. I know every side of them because I am their safe spot. They love you, but they dare not displease you because they have seen the consequences of disagreeing with you. They love you despite your short comings, but they fear upsetting you or being around you during your rough days. I get all the good, bad and the ugly. I sit with them through their panic attacks. I wait with them while they work through their triggers. I get the orneriness and laughter. I get the self-achieving and nightmares. I show up for every success and every struggle. I deal with door slams and teenage attitudes at the age of nine and ten. I never have space in my bed because I am their comfort place. I get no space, limited sleep and have them by my side constantly because we are bonded as mom and child but also through trauma. I couldn’t imagine not knowing every part of them, but then again, I am blessed to not have to imagine it. I am blessed to know our children inside and out and know that they do not fear disagreeing with me or giving me some feedback. I am blessed to be their mom, and I know that the bound that I have with our children is not replaceable.
I hate what you did to me and what they experienced by me staying with you, but I am thankful to have grown and learned from our experience so that I never make that same mistake again. I just wish that it had never come at the expense of their peace. I am not mad at you. I don’t hate you. I hate your actions, but despite them, I found strength within myself. I realized that I did not cause what was done, but rather that I allowed it to be done for too long because I didn’t respect myself enough to leave. I didn’t leave because of me. I left because I was seeing the effect it was having on our children. While I may not have left back then because I thought I deserved better, I will stay gone and do better in the future because I know what my worth is.
Our relationship taught me what I do and don’t want in a relationship. It taught me about myself and my children. It taught me to build a wall and since being out of our relationship, I have learned to break down that wall for those who deserve it and who I trust. Because of you, I walk with caution and because of our kids, I know that love exists and that I am worthy.
I am the richest person in the world because I have some of the most amazing people in my life who truly know me down deep to the core, my kids, friends, family and a few others. I am blessed to have the best people in my corner who helped me stay positive and strong while I transitioned into a woman who is proud of herself and her abilities.
So, thank you for always reminding me why I left you. Thank you for being consistent.
Sincerely,
Your ex
Healing from Abuse 
Leave a comment