Always ensure that you have a safety plan in place. Leaving can be incredibly challenging, contrary to what society might believe. I understand the struggle, as I too returned multiple times: some because I held onto hope that he might change, and others because I felt trapped and needed to reassess my plans. Remember, it’s important not to blame yourself if you find yourself going back; instead, focus on refining your plan and keeping it at the forefront of your mind.
Here are some challenges I faced with my plan, from which I have grown and ultimately reached the point I am at now. It’s important to acknowledge that I still have children with their father, and while I continue to make adjustments, I hope to update this journey as I learn more. My intention is to share my experiences so that others might learn from my missteps and find a better path for themselves.
Number 1: Always have multiple escape routes ready when you feel the pressure mounting. On my resources page, I’ve shared some options, but please remember to think beyond those—keeping a backup plan at your fingertips can really make a difference. Abusers often seek to isolate their victims, leaving you feeling trapped and helpless, so it’s essential to remain vigilant; your choices for safe lodging may need to shift quickly. I stayed at my abuser’s family’s home, which was exactly what he wanted to maintain his hold on me. I sincerely appreciate his family for offering shelter for me and my kids those nights, but it’s important to acknowledge that having alternative places to stay was my lifeline, a vital step toward reclaiming my freedom from his influence.
Number 2: Always keep a spare set of keys somewhere safe where you can get access to them. I always had two sets of keys. The first time I tried to leave my abuser, I didn’t have a second set of keys, and he ripped the only set I had from my hands, and I was cut with the keys in the process. HIDE THE SECOND SET OF KEYS SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE WHERE YOU CAN GET THEM IN A HURRY BUT YOUR ABUSER WON’T FIND THEM.
Number 3: Always remember to pack spare clothes and ensure they’re ready for action. I kept a bag with my kids’ and my own clothes tucked safely in the car, so it’s there when we need it. Once I found a safe house away from his family, I thought ahead and stored a few essentials both there and at work. You never know when you might need a backup plan, so I’ve made it a priority to have some clothes at work, just in case I ever find myself in a situation where I can’t access my stash.
Number 4: Start a separate bank account. To this day, I have multiple bank accounts because I learned through experience that achieving financial independence is truly vital. There were times when I would carefully set aside small amounts of cash—whether from my school loans (yes, managing college while balancing financial aid and scholarships was a challenge), cash payments, or even a little portion of my paycheck—sneaking them into my private account like a quiet secret. This small but significant tactic made a world of difference. Hiding extra cash around the house felt risky; the thought of him finding it was always looming. By creating a bank account solely in my name, I not only protected my money but also started to build a safety net for when I was ready to leave. Today, I continue to maintain two accounts, and now they’re with different banks—a thoughtful strategy that provides me with an added sense of security.
Number 5: It’s so important to safeguard your legal documentation, like birth certificates and social security cards, and finding a secure place outside of your home can make a significant difference. I was fortunate to store mine at work in a safe box or locked filing cabinet towards the end of my journey. In the beginning, I kept them in my car, but that was a huge risk. Please be careful about where you store these vital documents, aiming to keep them safe and away from your house and car whenever possible. Your peace of mind and the protection of your family’s information are crucial. Once I finally escaped that difficult situation, I thought it was safe to keep those important documents at home, but they went missing one day after I caught my abuser trying to find my kid’s social security cards and birth certificates, even after he had been asked to stay out. He needed them to attempt to remove my sole custody. Though I never saw him take them, I learned the hard way that I should have continued to keep them outside of my house, leading me to order new cards and birth certificates.
Number 6: Keeping records can be incredibly important during difficult times. I have maintained records for the past 11 years, and this practice continues to be crucial for me. If you’re currently facing a high-conflict situation, please prioritize your safety above all else—focus on getting to a safe place instead of documenting the moment. Remember, your safety is far more valuable than capturing evidence of your abuser’s behavior. If you can do so discreetly, try to record any incidents of abuse, and make sure to preserve all text messages by storing them on a reliable drive that you can access easily from any device, like Google. Additionally, keep photographs, legal documents, videos, and anything you can secure safely. It’s wise to store these confidentially on a drive, such as Google or My Family Wizard, and share access selectively with trusted individuals who can help keep your children safe if you ever find yourself in a crisis.
Number 7: It’s vital to prioritize your safety, so consider hiding a spare phone in a place your abuser cannot find, ideally away from your home. Burner phones should be kept in a secure location that you can easily access in emergencies, but where your abuser won’t notice you using them. Only use these phones in urgent situations and never in their presence. I truly empathize with how terrifying this situation can be; my own experiences have underscored the necessity of having a discreet means of reaching out for help, especially after my abuser broke my phone when he learned I was trying to call for assistance. Your safety is paramount, and taking these precautions can make all the difference. Additionally, burner phones help eliminate the risk of being tracked. Remember that a cell phone can be monitored through any connected device or location-sharing feature. Having experienced my ex using tracking devices to monitor my movements in the past, I urge you to disable any tracking features when you leave, including Snap Chat, Find My Phone, Share Location, and Facebook Check-ins. Taking these steps can provide you with the peace of mind you deserve.
Number 8: THIS IS HUGE. It’s so important to have an emergency code name for you and your children. In high-conflict homes, kids often hear yelling and screaming, and it can become a distressing part of their daily lives. They may struggle to recognize when a situation has escalated to an emergency because they learn to tune out the chaos. Having a special word can help them understand what to do in those moments. Instead of yelling it during a crisis, try to whisper it so they can hear you clearly without adding to their anxiety. Choose a word that’s unfamiliar to them, yet not so unique that it raises suspicion with your abuser. I know from my experience that having this emergency word can make a difference; it has helped me multiple times including when I was locked behind a door with my children. They immediately stopped what they were doing and worked together to help find a way out by climbing out a window and running to their safe location. It’s crucial to regularly review these safety procedures without your abuser’s knowledge, ensuring your family is prepared and feels secure.
Number 9: It’s essential to have legal help available when you need it. There are pro-bono lawyers who genuinely want to assist you at the beginning of your journey, although their case loads can be heavy, and availability may vary. Ensuring that you can access your documentation from anywhere will ease some of your stress. While seeking a pro-bono lawyer is a great first step, if you’re facing a particularly high-conflict situation, it may be wise to save some resources for a lawyer who specializes in these types of cases. Understand that if your abuser has financial means, they may attempt to use the court system to strain your finances. Remaining calm and anticipating these challenges will empower you to navigate this difficult process more effectively.
Number 10: Trust your instincts passionately! You possess the strength to endure; you’ve overcome countless challenges to arrive at this moment. Seize the opportunity to leave when your heart screams it’s time, and if exiting entirely feels impossible, never let despair take hold. Keep fighting and holding on to hope!
NO REGRETS BELOW:
#1 No Regret: One more huge piece of advice I would give to someone. It is sad and I hear this all the time. Why didn’t you defend yourself? The answer is twofold. One reason I never hit back or defended myself physically was because I didn’t want my kids to justify it. For example, if I spank my kids for hitting- essentially, I am telling them that it is not okay for them to hit, but it is okay for me to hit. Kids are young and they don’t understand adult things. I never wanted them to say, “but you did it too.” My kids are 9 and 10 and to this day, they know the truth because they witnessed all of it and they don’t blame me for what he did to me despite how much they love both of us.
The second part to this is deeply personal: I never fought back, nor did I ever lay a hand on my abuser in any way. The reason for this choice was simple yet profound: when the police arrive (if you call them, which I strongly encourage), they typically assess both parties for any signs of physical harm. If they find injuries on both sides, there’s a risk that both individuals could face consequences, regardless of whether it was an act of self-defense or not. This was a risk I simply could not take, as I knew my children depended on me. In Missouri, the Castle Doctrine and the Stand-Your-Ground Doctrine aim to address this issue, but the reality is that it’s often a gray area; officers struggle to determine who the true victim is, which can lead to both parties being held accountable. Ultimately, should the matter proceed to court, it becomes a battleground for two attorneys to navigate. I couldn’t bear the thought of being taken away from my kids, even if just for a short time, so I made the decision not to fight back. Additionally, I didn’t want to squander my resources on what could only be fleeting victories instead of securing lasting safety for my family.
#2 No Regret: During my marriage, I decided to pursue an education in Psychology to learn about what was wrong with me and how I could help my husband, at the time. Multiple times, he would abuse me, and I would be mentally drained, but I never gave up. In spots of rage, he broke my computer, tore up some of my educational books and at times would get pissed that I was “spending money on school.” I never stopped. It wasn’t easy with two little ones and a relationship that wasn’t always supportive, but I powered through and graduated with my bachelor’s in psychology and minor in criminal justice. Now I am working on my masters in school counseling and working as a School Counselor. Building that foundation of being an educated woman allowed me the opportunity to financially support myself and have a better chance of leaving.
#3 No Regret: Counseling has been a pivotal journey for me, and I am truly grateful for the opportunity to participate in it. I began this path when my daughter was just a week old, and now, as she approaches her 11th birthday, I reflect on how far I’ve come. Completing my codependency class was an accomplishment, yet I continued my sessions afterward because I recognized the importance of support. When my ex completed his domestic violence class, he chose to stop attending, which led to familiar tensions resurfacing. Despite the challenges, I felt a calling to continue my own healing, even amidst his frustration regarding my counseling. It was difficult to navigate his anger when I was simply seeking to better myself, but I knew deep down that I needed this for my own well-being. After taking a break out of uncertainty, I maintained connections with my counselors, and ultimately, I found the strength to return. Although my ex was not supportive of my decision, I persisted and eventually mustered the courage to leave our relationship for good. More than a year has passed since I’ve chosen to limit communication with him, and I have been back in counseling for almost a year now. I am incredibly thankful for this choice, as it has fostered my growth both as an individual and as a mother. Through my ongoing program, I’ve learned to embrace serenity and presence rather than existing in a reactive state. It’s a profound transformation, and I wholeheartedly appreciate the peace that counseling and therapy have brought into my life.
#4 No Regret: Speaking out about my abuse was an incredibly daunting step, one that filled me with terror, but I am deeply grateful that I found the courage to do it. For years, I struggled in silence, allowing the cycle of abuse to persist. The fear of potential repercussions from my abuser kept me from sharing my truth for far too long. I never envisioned myself speaking out; however, when I recognized that the troubling patterns continued even after I had left for the final time, I came to understand that it was my silence that perpetuated the problem. I had unwittingly allowed a man to exert control over me by isolating me from the world around me. I convinced myself that I was safeguarding my children, but the harsh reality was that I was shielding him and unwittingly teaching my kids the importance of silence. As I began to advocate for myself, tell my story, and break free from his control, I rediscovered my voice, leaving behind fear and embracing the hope of a brighter future. Despite continued attempts to silence me through unwanted chaos and smear campaigns, I have found a freedom in being able to speak my truth.
Healing from Abuse 